i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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