the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
