Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
