"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
