I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Randomize
