Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
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He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
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I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
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