we have officially lost it.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
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He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
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If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
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