I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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