I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
