i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
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