Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
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Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
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Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
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