I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Randomize
