you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
