apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Randomize
