I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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