tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
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Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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