shes about as inviting as chlamydia
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
