what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Randomize
