i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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