god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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