I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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