I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
