Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
