Someone shit on the floor
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
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