How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
