we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
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