I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
