Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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