I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
