He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
