I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
