New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
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