You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Randomize
