WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
