we made out on top of his cat.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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