so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
