he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
BRING THE BAGELS
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
