Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Randomize
