i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Randomize
