I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
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