She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Randomize
