Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Can you bring me the toilet please
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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