im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
