I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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