why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
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