Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
