I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
