Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Randomize
