got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
