ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
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