It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
