my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
My ATM looks so different sober.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
