I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
