Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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