Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
All the doctor said was why
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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