i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
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