after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
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