doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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